An open letter to the homeless of Portland from one of your own.

An open letter to the homeless of Portland from one of your own.

What you will find here are a number of generalities. Because of this chances are only one or two may apply to you so do not take this as a blanket statement towards the entire homeless community.

• Stop asking me for cigarettes. I paid for them with money I earned.. Offering me a quarter will not work either. Granted it’s a fair price for one but what good is that quarter going to do me once I am out of smokes?

• Stop walking down the middle of the damn sidewalk. Find the flow and go with it. Most of the people you encounter have someplace to be in a limited amount of time.

• Stop flicking your cigarette butts where ever the hell you please. There are more than enough ashtrays and trashcans for these.

• If you are getting on the MAX with many other riders and the train is already packed just wait for the next if you are staying within Fareless Square.

• I have a question for those of you with dogs. What the hell are you thinking? You can’t even take care of yourself and you decide now would be a good time to take on the responsibility of a pet?!? Does the dog get your leftovers or does he get a food that will provide for his/her nutritional needs. Oh yeah, when was the last time your dog saw a vet for a regular check up? Sure they are cute and fun to play with but you are in no position to give that animal what it really needs aside from your love.

• If you have to get drunk is there really any reason for being a belligerent ass also? I understand the desire to get a buzz on but that does not give you the right to become a problem to others.

• If you’re going into some business while others are, offer to hold the door open once in a while.

• Make a point to pick up at least one piece of trash a day.

• To the panhandlers, I realize you can claim freedom of speech but you also need to realize it can be interpreted as harassment when it happens ten times between lunch and the office. And your sad story about how hungry you are holds no water whatsoever. You as well as I know there are plenty of service providers and no reason for ANYBODY to starve in Portland.

• To those of you who spend every day running from one appointment to another in search of public assistance I have one thing to say. If you spent that time seeking employment you would be off the street by now.

• On Friday and Saturday nights when people are seated out side restaurants there is no need for a pack of you to schlep down the sidewalk making a crapload of noise. Those folks are paying good money for dinner and chances are you are not, I repeat NOT invited.

• If you are sleeping outside clean up your area so it will appear nobody has been sleeping there. Some of you folks seem to have a talent for generating copious amount of trash. Stop leaving it for others to clean up.

• And finally, QUIT ASKING ME FOR CIGARETTES!

While the general public will always see us as a nuisance most of the time others may see a difference and every bit helps.

Sincerely,

PDX Urban Outdoorsman

Garbage trucks

Why is that garbage trucks are so damn noisy?  Some tell me it’s because trucks are noisy and that is all there is to it.  This is a false assumption and I can prove it.

Of course trucks are louder than cars but this does not explain why garbage trucks make more noise than other trucks.  Proof of this can be found at any truck stop parking lot.  Just go there and listen to the trucks idling and you will be impressed at how manufacturers have made advances in reducing the sound made by the vehicles.

Another person told me it was because of the hydraulic pump that operates the machinery used to collect and compress refuse.  This also makes no sense either.  Listen to a heavy duty tow truck in operation and you will be impressed at how quietly these machines operate.  I use the example of a tow truck because some will have as many as three hydraulic pumps to operate the recovery boom, underlift and winch.

This leaves with only one conclusion.  Those who own and operate garbage trucks want them to be loud. 

ENOUGH ALREADY!
Quiet these things down damnit.

Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

I almost made it.

I’m always the last to know.

Quantity vs. Quality

Quantity
How UC Davis does it.

 

Quality
This is how Portland does it.

 

If this makes me a bad person so be it.

Occupation or Shell Game? You Tell me.

Could somebody please tell me what has been accomplished by the Occupy movement.  I’m not so silly that I would expect world changing events but I do expect something.

Take a look at the financial section of your newspaper.  Have any of you noticed a change within stock trends?  Are any of the Big Evil Banks stepping forward to tell us there will be changes in how business is done?  Are any politicians telling of how they will remove corporate money from the election process?
No, no and ahhh, NO!

All I see are a number of city parks around the country being destroyed by these numbskulls.

At one corner of the Portland occupation is a sign telling of how this is a protest, not a party. When I walk through I hear loud music (this is a very loose interpretation of the word music), see countless people drinking, and smell marijuana everywhere. If this is not a party I have no idea what is.

If you ask an Occupier what has been so far most will not have no answer for you.  Others may tell you how they have raised public awareness through marches and whatnot.  Ask them for something tangible and they have no answer.

As usual, the media will play the hell out of this and the public ends up taking their collective “eye” off the ball.  At some point we are going to see something in the news that will shock us.  We will wonder just how something like that could happen and as usual the distraction will be missed.

Better?!?

I’m sure you have heard it before.  A question from people who are unable to cope with the fact that you may not want to talk to them.
“So, You think you’re better than me?”

How do you respond to something like this?  Do you roll your eyes and walk away or do you answer the question?  Do not, I repeat, do not walk away from the question.  Doing so does nothing but reinforce the “fact” that you do feel superior in the mind of those who ask this question.

In most cases this question is presented by confrontational people.  In my experience these people are almost always drunk.

The best answer I have come up with is quite simple and to the point.  ”No, I do not think I am better than you or anybody else but I will tell you this much.  I believe I’m better at making decisions than you.  Think about that and get back to me on it when you are sober.”.

I have never been challenged on this answer and it allows me to walk away from the situation.  Given the choice I would always prefer to walk away from something like this.

Please Keep Your Donuts II

Here we go yet again damnit!

Last Thursday night I was awaken by a do-gooder around 1:30 am by a woman leaning over me to leave a bag of soda/beer cans that have a 5¢ deposit here in Oregon.

Imagine if you will, you’re sleeping blissfully and are startled out of your slumber by a stranger in your bedroom to provide some “good deed”.  Would it scare the hell out of you?  Would you yell at them?  Would you pop up out of you bed to reign down all manner of violence you could muster?  Luckily for this woman it was me she woke and not another who may have attacked her.

Upon having the crap scared out of me I just yelled at her telling her to get the hell away from me.  Of course she tries to tell me she was “just trying to help”.  All I could do in this situation is continue to tell this woman to leave me alone and let me sleep.

Here is the truly messed up part of the story.  She was with two, count em, guys who made a point of staying away from the situation.  I can just imagine the conversation prior to her approaching me went something like what follows.

Dingy Woman:  Here,  go put these cans by that nice homeless man sleeping over there.
Guy #1:  Are you crazy?  Do you think I wanna get myself killed?  Not tonight sweety.
(Dingy Woman attempts to hand off the bag-o-cans to Guy #2)
Guy #2:  There is no way in hell I’m going over there and disturb that guy.  I’m allergic  to being stabbed.  Thanks, but no thanks.
Dingy Woman:  Oh fine, I’ll take care of it you two weenies.
(Dingy Woman walks over to the “nice” homeless man and ends up soiling her pants as a result of the “nice” homeless mans reaction.)

One more time for those of you who missed it the first time.

1.  We are just like you and need our sleep which can be more difficult in this situation
2. Just randomly dropping off food can create a good deal of problems such as attracting critters to ones camp.
3.  If you have the time go to one of your local service providers like a mission to possibly volunteer.
4.  If time is an issue for you consider making a donation to one of your local service providers in the way of blankets, sleeping bags or clothing.

Now please for thew love of God,  leave me the hell alone so I can sleep.

As per usual, if this makes me a bad person so be it.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Receding hairlines & ponytials

When I lived in Seattle a number of years ago I had a ponytail that hung down to my ass in a braid.    I remember walking around seeing guys with receding hairlines & ponytails thinking how sad it looked.  Well, a little over a month ago I was brushing my teeth and when I looked in the mirror guess what I saw.  Go ahead, guess.  I had become one of those sad bastards.

It’s amazing what you can do with a beard trimmer.

Language

Why is it some people can not express a thought without using the “F” word?  Am I some kind puritan who will not tolerate the use of profanity?  Not at all, but if it’s all a person uses to convey theirs thoughts the meaning becomes diluted.

A prime example would be Bill Cosby.  Here was a man who could be as funny if not funnier than most foul mouthed stand-up comedians for one simple reason.  He gave his audiences enough credit to allow them to think.  Because of this he also opened himself up to a MUCH larger audience since there are many folks who would prefer not listen to one string of profanity after another.  Here is a clip showing what I believe to be the only time Bill used what could be considered by some to be profanity.  Because of this his use of the word asshole carried a great deal of meaning.

Another problem with expressing yourself in this manner is it leaves many people ignoring you regardless of the message you are trying to share.  Do you think people would have given Dr. Martin Luther King the time of day had he chosen to speak in that manner?  I truly doubt it.  More than likely he would have been considered just another angry black man without a message.  I’m willing to say you could go down through history and find the same to be true of most who have made great contributions by their thoughts and deeds.

A friend once shared great piece of wisdom he got from his father.  You have 1/2 second between the time an idea enters your mind and escapes through your mouth, use it wisely.  Sound advice if you ask me.

Until next time
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Behaviors

Generally when I meet somebody who is new to Portland and living on the street they seem to have one thing in common.  They are shocked by what they see people getting away with as far as drug use.  Little things like shooting heroin on the benches surrounding the courtyard of First Presbyterian Church.  This courtyard also happens to be a play area for the daycare center the church operates.

All this tells me is the behaviors displayed in any city are a direct reflection of just what will be tolerated.  If I am right this is one VERY sad indictment on the city, and people of Portland.

I just had to get this off my chest.
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Gender Identification is a line of crap.

Until a few years ago I never even considered the thought of gender identification.  Some may call this post inflammatory and discriminatory but I really do not care.  I will not show any extra respect because somebody is lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, trans-gendered or just chooses to dress in a manner opposite their gender.  If you perceive this as  discriminatory or inflammatory I suggest you stop reading now.

I have seen organizations that will have events targeted towards womens issues yet they will allow men who identify themselves as women.  I am quite willing to bet there have been women who chose not to participate because they have seen or heard men would be allowed to attend.  Does it really make sense to effectively deny these women a place to work out issues or receive services because of a minority that has chosen to dress differently?

I have also been to service providers who will help with clothing for the homeless.  On more than one occasion I have seen men requesting a bra and later a woman is told there are none available.  Is it right to give one person something they want thereby denying another what they need.  I don’t think so and it really pisses me off when I see this kind of behavior being catered to.

Some months ago the City of Portland conducted a census of those living on the street and homeless.  The questions asked were fairly basic in nature.
Name – first and last initial
How long a person had lived on the street.
Had the person slept in a shelter or outside.
Race
and finally
What gender does the person identify them self as.
By doing this the statistics being gathered become skewed.

As stated earlier I do not care what a person sees them self as nor do I care about their sexuality.  Fact is neither of these issues have any kind of effect on me.  Anybody who would judge a person based on these issues probably has some issues they need to address.

Until net time
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman.

Looks so harmless

So it seems…..

Recovery

There seem to two different kinds of people I see who are in some kind of recovery. It does not matter whether they are trying to get away from alcohol, meth, heroin or some form of cocaine.  What this has to do with is how they end up in recovery.  It seems most are there because it is court mandated so they can avoid incarceration.  The others seem to finally come to the realization that their path will lead to nowhere but ruin.

The first group mentioned generally have no desire to clean up but just stay out of jail.  Generally they must complete an outpatient residential program that can last anywhere from 30 to 90 days.  Once completed successfully the courts will often expunge whatever charges had to be dealt with.  Most of the time these individuals will return to their addiction of choice without a second thought.  Granted some will remain clean but that percentage is quite small.

The other group can be broken down into another subset of those doing so for themselves and those doing so for another such as wife, husband other loved one.  Those breaking free for the benefit of another will have better chances than those doing it for the courts.  Unfortunately this route has built in troubles.  Say a person gains sobriety for a spouse.  In a number of cases the person who cleaned up will develop resentment for the spouse because in their mind they have something they miss taken from them by another.  As best as I see it those working to change for them self are the most successful.  The only reason I see for this is the person does not feel as if they are backed into a corner by the wishes or demands of another.  These people also seem to understand the concept of responsibility and self reliance.

I’m sure many will tell me this is a line of crap and all I have to say to that is numbers generally do not lie.

Until I have something else on my mind please keep dropping comments.

Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Street Dogs

Or actually any pet kept by one who lives on the street.  These poor animals haven’t a clue just how rough their life is as opposed to their housed counterparts.

Consider this if you will, in order to legally own a dog while living on the street this poor animal must be leashed 24/7.  If that does not sound like animal cruelty I have no idea what does.  Do you think these animals get a balanced diet that meets their nutritional needs?  How many of these critters receive anything in the way of grooming such as a brush out or nail clipping?  From what I have seen most of these animals are used for security at night and a revenue stream like the picture above.

In most cases here in Portland people choose pitbulls because they are “tough” dogs.  Fact is pitbulls are a shorthair breed that does not deal well with cold weather.  I have lost count of the number of pits I have seen literally shivering in the cold while their “master” sits warm and comfy at some day access center.  I honestly believe any person living on the street who wants a dog should have to live on a leash, be fed only when somebody gets around to it, and freeze their bare ass off for a week to see just what kind of life they will condemn their “pet” to.

Here in Portland there are some resources for folks with dogs so they can get veterinary care but none of these agencies will suggest people put their animal up for adoption to have a better life.  If you ask me that is just plain wrong.  All these people do is enable others to doom an animal to a life that is greatly shortened.

The only possible valid arguments against these thoughts would be bona-fide service animals.  Unfortunately many outdoor pet owners will tell you their dog is a service animal but when asked just what task the dog performs they are hard pressed to give you an answer.  In most cases what they have is a companion animal or what you and I would call a pet.  Fact is most people who have actual service animals are able to receive some form of assistance that allows them to not live on the street.

Anybody who would like to argue with me about this is more than welcome to leave a comment and I will be MORE than happy to show you why you are wrong.

 

As per usual, if this makes me a bad person so be it.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Of course it’s raining dumbass!

That’s what it does here in the Pacific Northwest.  I continuously am confronted by whiners complaining about the rain.  To those I say “If you don’t like it get the hell out.”.  Were these half-wits told they would enjoy wonderful temperate  weather 12 months out of the year?  The other thing people bitch about is the temperature and how cold it is.  Are you kidding me?  Tell that to somebody living in Montana and see what they have to say on the subject.  I’m willing to say they will laugh in your face while wearing a t-shirt in our winter weather.

I recently had the pleasure of listening to some guy from L.A. complain about the cold.  If you did not like cold weather would you move from Southern California to here?  When I asked him this all I got was a deer in the headlights blank stare.

If you need to complain do so about something you have the ability to change.

As usual, if you should be offended by my thoughts I really don’t give a rats ass.

I stand accused.

I stand accused of having become a civilian since getting a job and actually purchasing new clothing items. Shocking as it may seem I have found gainful employment working at Julia West House for DayWatch fifteen hours a week.

Seeing as this is only fifteen hours a week on average my status as an outdoorsman wil not be changing any time in the near future.  I will continue to “camp out” and occasionally be rousted by the police which will give me content for future postings.

Y’all take care, be safe and have a good day.
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman.

Santa is eating healthy.

     The old grey beard you see in the picture above had to be removed.  I was walking across Pioneer Courthouse Square when a child of 4 or 5 years old pointed directly at me and asked his mommy “Why is Santa so skinny?”.  I could have been a complete ass and said something like “Santa is Dope Sick and needs your help” but I thought traumatizing the child days before Christmas would be in poor taste so I opted to to tell the child “Santa has changed to a healthy diet.”

My theme song.

And the road becomes my bride
I have stripped of all but pride
So in her I do confide
And she keeps me satisfied
Gives me all I need

And with dust in throat I crave
Only knowledge will I save
To the game you stay a slave

Roamer, wanderer
Nomad, vagabond
Call me what you will

But I’ll take my time anywhere
Free to speak my mind anywhere
And I’ll redefine anywhere

Anywhere I roam
Where I lay my head is home

(And the earth becomes my throne)

And the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
Under wandering stars I’ve grown
By myself but not alone
I ask no one

And my ties are severed clean
Less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign

Roamer, wanderer
Nomad, vagabond
Call me what you will
Yeah, you wi-i-i-ill

But I’ll take my time anywhere
I’m free to speak my mind anywhere
and I’ll take my time anywhere

Anywhere I roam
Where I lay my head is home
heh-yeah

But I’ll take my time anywhere
I’m free to speak my mind
And I’ll take my time anywhere

Anywhere I may roam
Where I lay my head is home
That’s right

But I’ll take my time anywhere
I’m free to speak my mind anywhere
And I’ll redefine anywhere

Anywhere I may roam
Where I lay my head is home

Carved upon my stone
My body lies, but still I roam,
Yeah yeah!

Wherever I may roam
Wherever I may roam
Woah

Wherever I may roam
Wherever I may roam
Yeah!

Wherever I may wander, wander, wander
Wherever I may roam

Yeah, yeah, wherever I may roam

Yeah, yeah, wherever I may roam
Wherever I may roam
Wherever I may roam

Please Keep Your Donuts

     This morning at about 5AM I was awaken by a civilian who figured I would prefer a donut over sleep.  I wake to hear the question “Sir, would you like a donut?”.  Since this gentleman is unaware that I did not get to bed until shortly after 11PM last night I choose to be polite and tell him all I want is to sleep but thanks anyways.

     Many would think the episode to be over and would be wrong.

     This gentleman decided to leave the donut next to me on my bedroll.  While this may seem like a good idea what he really did was drop off some rat bait right next to my fucking head.

     While this mans heart may, I repeat may have been in the right place all he did was create inconvenience for me.

     In the future if you should decide to provide help for those living on the street where you live please think of a few things before doing so.

1.  We are just like you and need our sleep which can be more difficult in this situation
2. Just randomly dropping off food can create a good deal of problems such as attracting critters to ones camp.
3.  If you have the time go to one of your local service providers like a mission to possibly volunteer.
4.  If time is an issue for you consider making a donation to one of your local service providers in the way of blankets, sleeping bags or clothing.

     I know many will read these words and think I am a complete jerk for taking such an attitude.  Before doing so ask yourself if you would like being waken up by a complete stranger in the wee hours of the morning.  For those who still believe me to be an asshole please click here.

     As per usual, if this makes me a bad person so be it.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Too Damn Scary.

     Last night after having laid out my bed-roll and gotten comfy for the night a scary thought occurred to me.  It’s actually amazing just how comfortable I have become living out here.  To many the thought of sleeping outside in 35º weather is unacceptable but I find it to be easy and quite comfortable.

     Sure it takes one mummy bag inside of another but I was toasty warm with the most striking skyline view of downtown PDX.  Many have suggested that I must really have my shit together to be able to accomplish this and to those I cannot help but laugh.  Honestly….  If  I really have my shit together do you think I would be out here?  All I have done is use some common sense in the decisions made out here.

     One of those decisions is that I must carry a monstrous backpack.  That is one capable of carrying two sleeping bags,  at least two changes of clothing,  various toiletries, misc crap and reading material.
     Another was to actually keep the gear that got me through the previous winter.  That being a good coat that is not only warm but also waterproof and sleeping gear.  I run into far to many who discard perfectly good equipment because of a change in the weather.  If you should ask these same people what their plans are for getting off the street you will receive nothing but a blank stare.  These are the same people I see who tell me how cold they were last night.  I really have no pity for these since they have created their own situation.
     The final decision is to ALWAYS sleep in an area that is covered.  Sure there were many nights during the summer I could have slept under the stars but I have to be practical.  Hell we all know if I was to choose an uncovered place I would be carpet bombed by geese because of their hatred for me.  Again, I run into far too many who tell me how all their gear got soaked because of the camp spot chosen.  Give me a break already!  Portland is known for rain.  Besides, just how difficult is it to take a look at the weather forecast at some point during the day.

As usual if my rather callous attitude means I am a bad person than so be it.

common sense: If there truly was such a thing wouldn’t we all have it?

Punkin Chuckin

     Remember me telling you about Suicide Bridge?  Now imagine this same bridge during the Halloween season.  With a height of 120 ft that spans the TriMet MAX lightrail it’s a wonderful site to drop pumpkins from with the hope of hitting the train.  Luckily for myself and a camp mate the bombers were not too damn good at sighting in their target.

     I could just imagine the police showing up too late to catch the punkin chuckers and seeing myself and PuddleJumper as good targets to place blame upon.  Granted it would soon be obvious we had nothing to do with the flying gourd but the attention is something we have no need for.

     Needless to say we are not going to be camping their for awhile until the holiday festivities have come to an end.

     Given the opportunity I would gladly drop a pumpkin on the assholes who thought this to be a good idea.  To those who believe me to be an asshole for having this desire I suggest you address me as Mr. Asshole.  If this makes me a bad person so be it.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

A name has been changed to protect the innocent.

Portland Marathon or Bathrooms are Optional

     So this past Sunday brought with it yet another of the many runs, walks, rides, mosies that are for the most part nothing but stupidity in the name of some damn cause/cure/war against whatever.  In preparation for the event City Officials decided it nessassary to completely fence off the only public bathrooms serving the down town area in Lowndale Park a good 36 hours prior the “The Running of the Morons” aka Portland Marathon.

     In defense of the twit who made this idea come to fruition there were Port-O-Lets.  Did I mention that the Port-O-Lets were locked?  All I could think is “please, don’t let me kill again”.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

Faceless

     Being run off from the place I have decided to sleep is a reality of the life I live that must be accepted.  All I ask is to simply be treated with some basic respect all people would and should expect.

     Here is a rundown of my Saturday night from about 11:30pm until 3:00am.

     I showed up at my sleeping spot and started to roll out my bedroll.  While doing so a Portland Patrol officer rode by and we made eye contact.  After reading for about 30 minutes I was slipping into my sleeping bag when the same Portland Patrol officer rolled by and again made eye contact with me.  At this point it is about 12:00am and I figure there is no trouble with me sleeping in this spot.  WRONG!  At 2:30am the same Portland Patrol officer wakes me to inform me I can not sleep there.  How do I know it is the same officer?  He admits so when I ask and then does not want to make eye contact with me. What a bastard.

     To make matters worse this pinhead is wearing a full face ski mask.  All he needed was riot gear for a more intimidating look.  First off I’m disoriented because I am waking up and to top it off I have to deal with some faceless jerk.  If it was winter and the temperature was cold I would understand but that was not the case.  It was in the 60s that night damnit!  Even it the weather was cold he could have removed the ski mask prior to dealing with me. 

     I know I have bitched and moaned about Portland Patrol on occasion before and it may seem as though I hate them all but that is far from the truth.  Just this morning I was awaken by one of my favorite Portland Patrol officers who will remain nameless.  This officer has always treated me with nothing but respect.  Many times in the past he has stopped just to shoot the bull for no reason what-so-ever.  To him and those like him I tip my hat.

     I guess that is enough of my complaining for now.

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

You Poor Bastard

     There is this guy I hang out with named John who is just your average every day kinda guy.  That is until you strap a backpack onto him at which point he becomes (insert superhero intro music here) ”You Poor Bastard”.  A man with the ability to have strangers offer any manner of help without solicitation.  He can be sitting on a bench and people will walk up and offer him food, money, tobacco and what-not.  Place me on the same bench and people just see some guy with no needs.  While I do not really have any needs to be addressed by the general public walking by it would be nice to be “You Poor Bastard” once in a while.

     I have yet to figure out just what it is that causes others to see him as “You Poor Bastard” unless it is triggered be pheromones.  If I am correct this could be a marketable commodity.  While some may see the market for such a product to be rather small I see it to be quite large.

Business men: Say he needs to pitch a bad idea with a poor presentation that would normally be laughed out of the board.  With a splash of ”You Poor Bastard” his audience would be captured by the idea and his worth to the company would skyrocket.

Sales men: This guy would be able to sell even the most hardcore penny pincher on that great rust preventative undercoating for the new car being offered eventually making him salesman of the month.

Contractor: Instead of adding just a bedroom the customer would like the idea of a rumpus room, media room, new family room and wet bar for each of these additions.

The product would be sold as a scent called (are you ready?) Success.
OK, maybe I need a dash of Success to get this idea off and running. Is that a paradox?

Sincerely,
Pdxurbanoutdoorsman

This Is Just Wrong.

Disclaimer: This post is not for the weak of heart.  Continue at your own risk.

     Last night before bedding down for the night myself and John decided to play a few hands of rummy.  While doing so another friend, Dave shows up and stays for a while to burn some time.  About 20 to 30 minutes after Dave arrives he points down the street and says “LOOK AT THAT!”.  Because I have a habit of following directions I take a gander at the direction he is pointing and am provided with the view of some damn drunk who has decided to defecate* of the sidewalk.

     I have not one but two issues with what had happened.  First off would be the drunks choice of places to relieve himself and second would be Dave suggesting we take a look.  C’mon Dave, all you had to do was tell us because we would have believed you.

     You may not be aware but the is an art to defecating sans toilet.  Number one rule is to be sure the fecal matter does not, I repeat not fall into your pants that are now at your ankles. All other rules regard what you choose to use instead of toilet paper which I will not discuss here except to say you need to be aware of what poison oak, poison ivy and poison sumac look like.

     Having mentioned it you have to know the drunk violated the first rule.  actually I could only guess at the time because the sidewalk was not soiled.  This morning my suspicions were confirmed.  After having put together my bedroll and cleaned up the area I saw the drunk again on my morning walk.  He looked at me and asked “What’s your problem?”.  I told him I had no problem but he might have one when he sat up.  Of course he did sit up and the look on his face was abso-f***ing-lutely priceless.

3 cans Four Loco – $8.47
Quality time spent with friends – free
The look on your face when you realize you have shat yourself – PRICELESS!

 

 

 

For those who do not know what defecate means here are some other phrases used instead of the word defecate.
* A sewer snake to release
* Anaconda action
* Arsefire
* Back one out
* Backing the big brown motor home out of the garage
* Baiting the trap
* Becoming the porcelain assassin
* Blasting a dookie
* Blinking
* Blow one out – Also flatulence
* Blow the load
* BM (Bowel Movement. Quoted by Donkey in Shrek 2.)
* Boo-Boo
* Boom Boom
* Bomb the porcelain sea
* Building a log cabin
* Burn a mule
* Caca
* Carpet Bombing Afghanistan
* Chocolate time!
* Cripping a crapple
* Crowning
* Curling one off
* Cutting rope
* Deceiver of Farts
* De-corking the borking
* Deucing
* Dirty squirties
* Doing brown
* Doing some spring cleaning
* Dominating
* Doo-Doo
* Doodey
* Download a brownload
* Dr. Benjamin Fartlin
* Dropping a dook
* Dropping a bomb
* Dropping a deuce
* Dropping a hoopsnake
* Dropping a jolst
* Dropping a load
* Dropping anchor
* Dropping bass (\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\”base\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\” as in the opposite of treble. Not the fish.)
* Dropping logs
* Dropping some friends off at the pool
* Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl
* Dropping the kids off at the pool
* Dropping the Mexican Boll Weevil
* Dropping the weights
* Dropping wax
* Faxing a shit to the toilet machine
* Feeding the seagulls (politer version of \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Feeding the shitehawks\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\”)
* Feeding the toilet
* Fertilising the plants (refers to defecating outdoors and on the ground, such as while camping)
* Filing some papers
* Filling the bowl
* Fire away
* Freeing me chocolate hostages
* Giving birth
* Giving birth to a chocolate baby boy
* Giving birth to a healthy brown baby
* Giving birth to the black eel
* Giving birth to the Spineless Brownfish
* Giving birth to an African
* Going Boom Boom
* Going poop
* Going to meet Jim Davidson
* Going to number two
* Going to have a talk with Mr.Hanky
* Growing a tail
* Hanging a rat
* Hungry Hungry Hippos
* Having a Code Brown (at work)
* Kurt Bevacqua
* Launching torpedoes
* Laying a brick
* Laying a brownie
* Laying a cable
* Laying a Hank
* Laying a turd
* Laying some wolf bait
* Lengthening the spine
* Letting loose
* Letting the toilet know who’s boss
* Letting the dogs out
* Lift tail (used commonly among members of the furry fandom)
* Logging
* Logging into the toilet and making a huge download
* Logging out
* Load your pants
* Lose some weight (Also used in urination)
* Making a tail
* Making an appointment with Dr. John
* Making a deposit in the Porcelain Bank
* Making gravy
* Making logs (or a log)
* Making waves
* Makin’ bears
* Monopoly!
* Montezuma’s Revenge (traveller?s diarrhorea)
* Number two (a portable toilet company advertises itself as \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Number One in Number Two\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\”; a Midwest plumbing company proclaims, \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”We’re Number One in a Number Two Business.\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\”)
* Pebble-dashing the porcelain
* Pinching (off) a loaf
* Pinching a yam
* Pinch-hitting for Kurt Bevacqua (a reference to the old brown uniforms worn in the 1970′s and 1980′s by the San Diego Padres.)
* Poo-Poo
* Poopy Doo
* Poppin a gooky
* Producing some output
* Pump a clump of dump out of my rump
* Punching a growler
* Punishing the porcelain
* Punishing the toilet
* Put food in the dog’s water
* Releasing a depth charge
* Releasing a Dungbomb (from Harry Potter)
* Releasing the hostages
* Releasing the Kraken
* Ride a pony and trap
* Ring of fire
* Sacrificing to the Toilet/Porcelain god
* Saturday morning special
* Scatter bombing
* Shitting bricks (Houses or apartments as substitutes for higher quantity.)
* Showering the room with roses
* Shtounga
* Slopping gruel in Oliver’s bowl
* Speaking with the arabs (When whoever is listening asks \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”what\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\” the toiletee replies \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \”Mustapha Crap!\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\”)
* Spray-painting the porcelain
* Squirt juice
* Stalling a brown sedan
* Studying one’s Process Design notes (refers to Environmental Engineering Process Design, a course taught to civil and environmental engineering undergraduates and that deals with, among other topics, the design of wastewater treatment facilities)
* Taking a brew
* Taking a crap (see also Mr. Thomas Crapper)
* Taking a dump
* Taking a Nixon (used by Kinky Friedman in his detective novels)
* Taking a poo
* Taking a shit (a coarse expression, not a euphemism)
* Taking a slam
* Taking a Tarzan (crapping in the woods/forest)
* Taking the Browns to the Superbowl
* Taking the Cosby kids to the pool
* Taking the morning curl
* Throwing up backwards
* Tuesday Afternoons
* Turtle time (see Turtle Action)
* Uni(I’ve got to take an uni)
* Unlikely Traveler (Defecation, usually on vacation, when you defacate in your pants away from a toilet)
* Unload
* Unloading a batch of cigars
* UH-OH! (Peter Griffin again; is incontinent at awkward moments)
* Visiting Boston
* vote for president.
* Take a Critical Ambient to the Lab
* Upgrading my Thetan Level